FEELING DOWN

I know its been a while. I found a job. J O B.... yeah, nothing great, but it paid enough for the rent. What happened to the good old days? When YOU could choose the job you wanted and they were glad to have you. What happened to bonuses, office parties with REAL door prizes? What happened to life itself?

Okay, so I am whining a bit, but personally, I don't know anyone [and I know a lot of PM's] that 'love their jobs'. Hell, I used to! I'd actually look forward to Monday morning to start the whole routine over.

Time to go to a meeting. Another boring, mostly useless meeting.

Catch you later.

Nose to the grindstone time

It's not like I haven't been looking. I have -- the way we used to look; the best job at the highest wages possible. I guess it just took me a little longer than most to believe we are in a real depression. So now, instead of waiting for the jobs to come to me (like in the past), I'm going after them.

I posted my resume on the technical sites and just for shits and giggles, I opened an account on LINKED-IN. This one makes sense to me. I'm not a Twitter, Face Book type person. I prefer living instead of keep the world apprised of my every move. Trust me, unless you're a real wing-nut the world doesn't give a royal shit about either of us.

Okay, so I even posted a warm, smiley picture. Yup, I look like someone I'd hire. I went to past agencies I'd used and asked for referrals (I moved to a different state) to their counterparts. Funny, but some of them are closed! Holy shit, I must have been sleeping for the last two years.

Still plugging along, trying to find, not my perfect job, cut one I can do well and at least -- stand! Well, until I win the lottery. Then it's off to the Caribbean to teach Project Management, under a palm tree.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.. "

Recession, my ass! This is a full blown depression, and not the kind that can be cured by one of a myriad of drugs; even mary-jane. So I'm now one of the great unwashed and unemployed; and I'm quickly running out of money.

So, get a job, you candy ass slug. (the voice in my head)

"Hey! I've been looking. I can't find anything interesting."

Ohhhh! And are you still interested in eating?

"As a matter of fact, I am. I'm very interested in eating. In fact, I'd almost kill for a sausage and onion pizza.

And... come on.... what's stopping you?

"Wait.. I can't. My funds are very low and I'll have to settle for some canned soup. I"ll just think of it as a Soup Pizza."

Booyah! If you had a job, we'd be eating pizza! Now, wasn't that easy?

"It's not that I've turned down any really great jobs, you know."

What about that bank? The one that wanted you to run the PMO?

"Yeah, but it paid $20,000 less than I've been making. You can't just step down, you know."

And... $20,000 is a huge freakin' raise from the unemployment you're getting now; right?

"I fucking hate you."

Only because you know I'm right.

"If I knew the depression was coming, I'd have taken the job! How could I have known?"

You couldn't, but now that it's real, you have to realign your expectations and FIND A JOB!

"Then buy a pizza... with sausage and onions."

And some black olives would be nice.

Whoever would have guessed

It's been a while, children. Actually its been over a year. A lot has happened. My dream job petered out with a change in management. It seems that not everyone sees our value (PM's that is).

I'm traveled a bit, worked on some paintings and did a little volunteer work, mentoring children in logical thinking [which in itself is funny].

So as this year winds to a dismal halt, I have to say to myself: "you really need a freakin' job!"
So out of money and self esteem, I begin my job search next Monday. Well, one should not move too quickly, it can cause whiplash, you know. Okay, so no more excuses. I'm on the hunt for a high paying senior position in project management that I can do successfully without getting pissed off or on daily. That sounds do-able, doesn't it?

Wish me luck, friends!

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED!

Just when I thought I’d have to take one of the crappy jobs I’d been offered (or start doing tricks on the street corner), I was offered the job of a lifetime! Yes, it’s a contract, but it’s huge project and should last six years or more. Hell, I’ll be into middle age by then!

It’s with a large national company and the only downside (from my point of view) is that I will have an off-shore team for the software development piece. I was assured that they did excellent work, and there were seldom do-overs. That’ll be a first!

This particular project has everything in it but Yul Brenner, including some things that I’ve never heard of! A new company, with cutting edge technology; does it get any better than that? Oh, yeah and the money is sweet! And as far as the off-shore team, I’ll deal with it one day at a time.
I’m just glad to have a good job with a really great company.

As bad as the economy is, I’ll make this work, not matter what it takes, ands I start tomorrow!

More updates later….

LESSONS LEARNED...

"It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s all good…" (said in a voice and tone reminiscent of Hal in 2010).
I’d like o hit him/her in the forehead with a hammer just to see if he/she’d react, and possibly scream “SHIT!”

I attended a five day Project Management advanced training course with eleven other project managers. It was extremely fast paced and intense. Yeah, like a fat man to cake.

The final exercise for the course was a project simulation with international requirements. Fascinating.
We were given basic requirements. The detailed requirements could only be obtained by asking the right questions. Fun shit!

“Something doesn’t feel right; we don’t have all the information,” I frowned.

“Yes we do. Let’s get it done!” Our cheerleader ‘lead’ squeaked. “There’s always a way!”

Oh shit! Those are words that can deal a death blow to any project.

“Okay then, you all go forward and I’m going to verify requirements, and more importantly constraints.

She just squeaked something that only bats could hear and ran off to give the team a pep talk.

The two seminar leaders sat observing and smiling as I walked up. “You may ask yes and no questions only,” the female leader smiled.

Ahhh, my instincts were right! So I proceeded to ask about timelines, volume and then I hit on it. I new the ‘upgrades’ were to be done in the North-East US, but…

“Are there more sites to be done on this project besides the six in the North East US?” I smiled.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“And are the additional sites geographically dispersed, as in all over the country?”

“Yes,” they smiled.

“Hold on. Are some of them out of this country?”

“Yeeeeessssss,” they droned.

Looking over the original requirements it was stated that the project would start on three sites in the North-East, but it didn’t say that was all of the sites. Just like in Jurassic Park, “Do we have 500 dinosaurs?” The answers was ‘Yes’, but when asked “How many dinosaurs do we have?” The answer was 1,200.”

I then verified the severely constrained timeframe and without going to a chalk board, this project could not be done as stated.

I took my facts to the team and the lead said (I fucking swear) “We have to find a way. There’s always a way! Just keep a positive attitude!”

The two seminar leaders came over and asked if there was a problem. I said this project was a ‘no go’.
The rest of the team looked confused and the lead kept saying, “We can do it, we can do it.”

They should have realized when the seminar leaders asked if it could be done or not, what they were looking for, but nooooooo!

I went to the board and took ten minutes to draft out the timeframe and the sites, oh yeah and the countries, which totaled four. Even then after all the stink of the dry ease pens, the team lead still whispered, “There must be a way…”

Then the whole team in one resounding voice shouted: IT’S A NO GO!”

The seminar leaders sighed deeply and said, “You Passed! Not every project is do-able! As a project manager, sometimes the answer is NO!”

Ah, good times!

Like Butterfly Hunting with a Bazooka...

“That’s ridiculous,” you say. Okay, so how about taking the simplest project that should require a simple Run Book, with combined forms (covering all that is needed, of course), and turning it into a cacophony of templates that contain mostly headers and little else. IT’S NOT NEEDED!! Quality = fit for use. That’s it – nothing more.

So, what’s got me so pissed today? Read just about any recent PMI articles and unless you have a $250 million project, everyone is mandating redundancy upon redundancy when it comes to documentation.

What’s happened to the fun in project management? What’s happened to the PM documenting everything that’s needed and no more? Since do PM’s have to use tons of fluff for the sake of ‘look at me, aren’t I great?’ What a sad state of affairs.

Don’t tell me that doesn’t happen. A while back (less than a hundred years) I was looking at a colleague’s Run Book, (always looking for best practices) when I realized that all the forms were there and each one contained one or two lines.

Well now, that’s a bunch of bullshit and a big waste of paper!

So, in looking into the project itself, it was barely medium and a straight up endeavor. So why all the fluff? Because it looked good on his book shelf with the other Run Books, when in reality, all he needed was about thirty (30) pages; he turned it into a three (3) inch thick binder.

So, what’s my point, you may well ask? When you document your project, make it FIT FOR USE (quality) and not something useless that perhaps makes you look good, until someone (like me) really looks at it. <evil grin>

And yes, I discussed the whole thing with the other PM and he was shocked, I tell you; shocked!

“Well, excuse me for being thorough!” he huffed.

“It’s bullshit and you know it,” I smiled.

“How would you have changed it?” he asked with his chin held high.

“I’d do away with all the cumbersome mostly blank forms and combine them as paragraphs into a document called: Project Management Plan.”

Dead silence as his eyebrows twitched. “It looks more substantial my way.”

“The Sox auditor comes in next week, you know. Let me know what she says.”

Then suddenly, he asked me to sit with him a bit and go over his books…. before next week.

Ah, good times….. good times.

Myths, and Things I just Don’t Get

Why is Boston Market still open? Boston Markets only purpose (in my opinion) is to keep all other bad restaurants from being the worst place in town.

Walk fast, carry a clipboard and look worried, make you look important. No, it just makes you look unorganized and ill-equipped to do your job.

Copying everyone on all your emails makes you look important and productive. WRONG! This one really pisses me off. DO NOT copy anyone just for fun; make it count.

What is that crap in the center of a Twinkie? And why does it stay on your teeth until you brush again? Yikes, I just grossed myself out.

MYTHS:

Muffin-tops are cute. I think this one must have been made up by a fat chick. Yes, fat checks have the right to wear anything they want to, but a fat-tire peaking through between the t-shirt and jeans, is just plain nasty.

Girls get pleasure…. from riding horses. This one was made up by some horny teenage boy trying to explain why his girlfriend would rather ride her horse than spend time with him. Anyone who believes this should take a class in anatomy.

You’re Over Budget!
Not necessarily. Perhaps the budget I got when I took over the project, wasn’t worth a shit! Too many budgets are drawn up by people who don’t know squat about the technology. So… Phhhtt!


There are a lot more, and we’ll get to them when they come up….

Things That Generally Piss Me Off

There are No Problems— Only Opportunities for Success

Well, isn’t that a crock of shit? How as a profession did we ever come up with an inane philosophy? We really have to stop demeaning ourselves and entire profession with such bullshit. If there were truly no problems, there wouldn’t be a need for project managers. Our value lies in the fact that we are skilled facilitators that solve problems!

If this were not true, then our jobs could be done by bright secretarial minded people (meaning highly organized), without all the classes, expense and upkeep (endless pdu’s).

So when you have a problem, grab yourself by your genitalia and call it what it is; a problem! If at the last minute you wuss-out, at least call it an issue, but never refer to it as an opportunity, or I swear to Starbucks, I’ll hunt you down and……..

There is no “I” in Team
Yes, I’ve already covered that one, but I have a couple of more thought. Usually that kind of manipulative crap comes from a sales dork, trying to get you to do ‘a little favor – some menial task that they could do for themselves, but are too elite or just plain lazy.

DON’T DO IT! It’s a slippery slope and it’s not easy getting back up that hill, unless you take a chain saw to the bastard (male or female)….

Case in point: An engineer on a project I was leading (business-as-usual, no big whoop) needed to fly across country for a three day job. He asked me to get him a window seat and a king-size bed because he hated to be cramped. I reminded him I was his project manager and not his assistant.

He then went in to a long (and boring) story about on his last job, the project manager insisted on doing everything for him. Bering the sensitive person I am, I suggested that possibly that other project manager wanted to sleep with him, and then assured him that I didn’t, so he’d have to fend for himself.

Collecting for Charity at Work

Yeah, this is a touchy subject, so let me explain before you to all Fox on me (referring to the hysterical diva O’Reilly at Fox News).

Before I happened to stumble into project management, I ran an office for a national service-type company. A sales dork (hmmm, I see a pattern forming) suggested that we put a large box wrapped in Christmas paper by the check-out desk, so our clients could bring in canned food items for the needy.

I questioned if that was really the place for such an endeavor, to which she replied (and I’m serious): “Well, maybe when they see the box, even if we don’t give them exactly what they want, they might realize that some people are not as fortunate as they are, and not complain.”

Did you get all that? What a self-serving con! And when in your experience have you’ve paid for something, but were willing to take less because some people are less fortunate than you?

I bet her twenty dollars that it wouldn’t work. One month later I collected my winnings standing right by the empty box.

“I just don’t get it,” she kept repeating. I just nodded and sighed: “I know.”

Paying Your Dues.......

A hundred years ago… I started out as a project coordinator in a national IT company. I liked the job but decided that I wanted to grow up to be a project manager. In this particular company a coordinator was mostly a dead-end job, with not much of a chance to advance to project manager.

A Service Manager (we’ll call him Earl) asked me to become his personal assistant. I said, (and I quote), “Why the hell would I want to do that?”

“Because, if you help me get to be a director, I’ll make sure you become a project manager. I’ve seen you work and I’m smart enough to know that you can get me the position.”

“You mean you want me to package you like gum, and sell you to the corporation?”

“Precisely! You pay your dues, and in return, I’ll make sure you become a project manager! And the company will pay for all the classes.”

I agreed and began a process of sending out Service Updates, reports, spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations all with the Earl’s name on them. Most of the time he never even saw the reports— it was flattering to be trusted, I thought. Little by little, the corporation started to recognize Earl.

I began to take project management classes as fast as I could, and took to the methodology like a fat man to cake. When my chance came, I needed to be ready.

Earl was given more and more internal reporting projects and I did a damned good job on them. Then a glitch. A vice president decided to come to town and requested a PowerPoint presentation on a new flow I did regarding triage and the expediting of the service division. Honestly, it was a thing of beauty and the best part was that it actually worked.

We had a one day notice, and Earl doing the presentation… was not in the cards. Don’t get me wrong, Earl was a very bright man, with a lot of charm and could smooge with the best, but presenting someone else’s work without time to internalize the work behind it, was… not going to happen.

Luckily he came down with (wink-wink) ‘laryngitis’, so I had to do the presentation and explanation. It was flawless and the VP was very impressed with ‘Earl’ work.
After the presentation, he took Earl and I out to lunch to discuss some of the fine points. As he was studying one of the spreadsheets, he mentioned how complex it was and asked how long it took to learn Excel to that depth.

I said, “Well….” When Earl jumped in and blurted out, “she prints them out for me.”

“Well, I’m really impressed,” he smiled.

I was dumb struck. Then to add to my pain, there was talk of making him a director, and no sign of making me a project manager.

Later, I nailed Earl on it and he said, “I’m sorry.”

Sorry? He blatantly lied and took credit for all my work without even a crumb of credit. Fucking Sorry just didn’t cover it.

Thanks to Karma; two weeks later, all my work paid off. The same VP called me and asked me to do him a favor and take over a project for a PM that was getting married and quitting the business. I told him I’d be glad to. The bad news was the project was clear across the country and would run another four months.

The good news was it was a very high profile project and would solidify me as a real PM. The company agreed to allow me to fly home every weekend and pay for all my time, including flying. In three days, I was on a plane; first class. I worked hard, learned and completed the project on-time with a 4.85% approval rating out of 5.

When I returned home, Earl was anxiously waiting for me with a stack of work, but my position as project manager was solid. Earl would now have to sink or swim on his own.

Sixteen months later, Earl was back working as a service manager, and I was a credentialed project manager. Karma, baby — you got to love it!

I have new neighbors!

I found out at 6:00pm when suddenly the sound of bass came pounding through my wall. I shrugged and gave it thirty minutes, then walked next door.

I explained to the young woman (in a sari) that her bass was rattling my bar ware. She said she would turn it down, and I left. She did turn the music down, but the bass was still pounding.

Okay, they just moved in— so I thought I’d give them a break. After several hours, I realized that no one could have the bass that loud and not know it, so when the clock struck ten, I called the police. Actually I believe I showed great restraint. Hooray for me.

The police did their duty and the music stopped. Ah, sweet bliss! Then much to my surprise, five minutes later, there cam a loud knock on my door.

“I am your new neighbor, Dr. (let’s call him Pompous- Ass). I understand my music is bothering you.”

“It’s not the music; it’s the bone-pounding bass. I thought head-bangers had moved in.” A little levity should relieve the uncomfortable situation, I thought.

“I have a new stereo system and I have to get used to it.”

“Cool, just turn down the bass,” I said figuring we were through, but nooooooo.

“If it’s too loud, just come over and tell me. Isn’t that easy?”

“Apparently not. I asked your wife to turn it down and three hours later I had to call the police.”

“It’s a new system. It took me a half a day to figure out how to turn on the television,” he said in a weirdly smarmy manner.

“Really? It took my lab puppy about three second to learn how to turn on the television, by accidentally stepping on the remote.” Well, I thought it was funny.

“I’m a doctor!” he said in a huff.

“And your point, is?” I was growing weary his attitude by now.

“I’m a doctor and I work much longer hours than you do….”

“Oh, don’t even go there,” I said as I felt my blood pressure rising. “You have no idea of what hours I work.”

“Ten o’clock is very early for a weekend party, and we have a lot of parties, you’ll just have to…..”

“I don’t give a shit if you party like it’s 1980 all week long, as long as I don’t have to hear it. What part of this is not clear to you?”

“I’m a doctor and I’ve worked with people like you before, and I…” he began in a high pitched voice.

“Well, I’ve worked with some pompous Brahmans like you before and the only reason they’re even in this country, is that they work cheap.” Cheap shot, but he deserved it.

“I have the right to enjoy my music!”

“Agreed, but your rights end where mine begin. Dude, just deep your damned bass down or I’ll call the police. It’s as easy as that.” With that I closed the door on Dr. Pompous-Ass.

What a dick!

Eureka, I think I found… oh crap, I didn’t!

So the other offering that came out of left field that seemed golden on the surface; wasn’t.

Without going into too much detail for fear of revealing my true identify and thereby having to restrict my every word….. let’s just say I don’t think I was their flavor of candidate. Draw your own conclusion.

Of well, I have a great job looming (with crappy insurance), but none the less, it’s a great job.

Hooray for me!