The Project Pundit

FEELING DOWN

2010-05-21T12:46:00.003-07:00

I know its been a while. I found a job. J O B.... yeah, nothing great, but it paid enough for the rent. What happened to the good old days? When YOU could choose the job you wanted and they were glad to have you. What happened to bonuses, office parties with REAL door prizes? What happened to life itself?

Okay, so I am whining a bit, but personally, I don't know anyone [and I know a lot of PM's] that 'love their jobs'. Hell, I used to! I'd actually look forward to Monday morning to start the whole routine over.

Time to go to a meeting. Another boring, mostly useless meeting.

Catch you later.

Nose to the grindstone time

2009-12-30T13:47:00.007-07:00

It's not like I haven't been looking. I have -- the way we used to look; the best job at the highest wages possible. I guess it just took me a little longer than most to believe we are in a real depression. So now, instead of waiting for the jobs to come to me (like in the past), I'm going after them.

I posted my resume on the technical sites and just for shits and giggles, I opened an account on LINKED-IN. This one makes sense to me. I'm not a Twitter, Face Book type person. I prefer living instead of keep the world apprised of my every move. Trust me, unless you're a real wing-nut the world doesn't give a royal shit about either of us.

Okay, so I even posted a warm, smiley picture. Yup, I look like someone I'd hire. I went to past agencies I'd used and asked for referrals (I moved to a different state) to their counterparts. Funny, but some of them are closed! Holy shit, I must have been sleeping for the last two years.

Still plugging along, trying to find, not my perfect job, cut one I can do well and at least -- stand! Well, until I win the lottery. Then it's off to the Caribbean to teach Project Management, under a palm tree.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.. "

2009-12-29T20:27:00.005-07:00

Recession, my ass! This is a full blown depression, and not the kind that can be cured by one of a myriad of drugs; even mary-jane. So I'm now one of the great unwashed and unemployed; and I'm quickly running out of money.

So, get a job, you candy ass slug. (the voice in my head)

"Hey! I've been looking. I can't find anything interesting."

Ohhhh! And are you still interested in eating?

"As a matter of fact, I am. I'm very interested in eating. In fact, I'd almost kill for a sausage and onion pizza.

And... come on.... what's stopping you?

"Wait.. I can't. My funds are very low and I'll have to settle for some canned soup. I"ll just think of it as a Soup Pizza."

Booyah! If you had a job, we'd be eating pizza! Now, wasn't that easy?

"It's not that I've turned down any really great jobs, you know."

What about that bank? The one that wanted you to run the PMO?

"Yeah, but it paid $20,000 less than I've been making. You can't just step down, you know."

And... $20,000 is a huge freakin' raise from the unemployment you're getting now; right?

"I fucking hate you."

Only because you know I'm right.

"If I knew the depression was coming, I'd have taken the job! How could I have known?"

You couldn't, but now that it's real, you have to realign your expectations and FIND A JOB!

"Then buy a pizza... with sausage and onions."

And some black olives would be nice.

Whoever would have guessed

2009-12-10T11:28:00.004-07:00

It's been a while, children. Actually its been over a year. A lot has happened. My dream job petered out with a change in management. It seems that not everyone sees our value (PM's that is).

I'm traveled a bit, worked on some paintings and did a little volunteer work, mentoring children in logical thinking [which in itself is funny].

So as this year winds to a dismal halt, I have to say to myself: "you really need a freakin' job!"
So out of money and self esteem, I begin my job search next Monday. Well, one should not move too quickly, it can cause whiplash, you know. Okay, so no more excuses. I'm on the hunt for a high paying senior position in project management that I can do successfully without getting pissed off or on daily. That sounds do-able, doesn't it?

Wish me luck, friends!

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED!

2008-10-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I’d have to take one of the crappy jobs I’d been offered (or start doing tricks on the street corner), I was offered the job of a lifetime! Yes, it’s a contract, but it’s huge project and should last six years or more. Hell, I’ll be into middle age by then!

It’s with a large national company and the only downside (from my point of view) is that I will have an off-shore team for the software development piece. I was assured that they did excellent work, and there were seldom do-overs. That’ll be a first!

This particular project has everything in it but Yul Brenner, including some things that I’ve never heard of! A new company, with cutting edge technology; does it get any better than that? Oh, yeah and the money is sweet! And as far as the off-shore team, I’ll deal with it one day at a time.
I’m just glad to have a good job with a really great company.

As bad as the economy is, I’ll make this work, not matter what it takes, ands I start tomorrow!

More updates later….

LESSONS LEARNED...

2008-10-11T11:21:00.005-07:00

"It’s all good, it’s all good, it’s all good…" (said in a voice and tone reminiscent of Hal in 2010).
I’d like o hit him/her in the forehead with a hammer just to see if he/she’d react, and possibly scream “SHIT!”

I attended a five day Project Management advanced training course with eleven other project managers. It was extremely fast paced and intense. Yeah, like a fat man to cake.

The final exercise for the course was a project simulation with international requirements. Fascinating.
We were given basic requirements. The detailed requirements could only be obtained by asking the right questions. Fun shit!

“Something doesn’t feel right; we don’t have all the information,” I frowned.

“Yes we do. Let’s get it done!” Our cheerleader ‘lead’ squeaked. “There’s always a way!”

Oh shit! Those are words that can deal a death blow to any project.

“Okay then, you all go forward and I’m going to verify requirements, and more importantly constraints.

She just squeaked something that only bats could hear and ran off to give the team a pep talk.

The two seminar leaders sat observing and smiling as I walked up. “You may ask yes and no questions only,” the female leader smiled.

Ahhh, my instincts were right! So I proceeded to ask about timelines, volume and then I hit on it. I new the ‘upgrades’ were to be done in the North-East US, but…

“Are there more sites to be done on this project besides the six in the North East US?” I smiled.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“And are the additional sites geographically dispersed, as in all over the country?”

“Yes,” they smiled.

“Hold on. Are some of them out of this country?”

“Yeeeeessssss,” they droned.

Looking over the original requirements it was stated that the project would start on three sites in the North-East, but it didn’t say that was all of the sites. Just like in Jurassic Park, “Do we have 500 dinosaurs?” The answers was ‘Yes’, but when asked “How many dinosaurs do we have?” The answer was 1,200.”

I then verified the severely constrained timeframe and without going to a chalk board, this project could not be done as stated.

I took my facts to the team and the lead said (I fucking swear) “We have to find a way. There’s always a way! Just keep a positive attitude!”

The two seminar leaders came over and asked if there was a problem. I said this project was a ‘no go’.
The rest of the team looked confused and the lead kept saying, “We can do it, we can do it.”

They should have realized when the seminar leaders asked if it could be done or not, what they were looking for, but nooooooo!

I went to the board and took ten minutes to draft out the timeframe and the sites, oh yeah and the countries, which totaled four. Even then after all the stink of the dry ease pens, the team lead still whispered, “There must be a way…”

Then the whole team in one resounding voice shouted: IT’S A NO GO!”

The seminar leaders sighed deeply and said, “You Passed! Not every project is do-able! As a project manager, sometimes the answer is NO!”

Ah, good times!

Like Butterfly Hunting with a Bazooka...

2008-09-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

“That’s ridiculous,” you say. Okay, so how about taking the simplest project that should require a simple Run Book, with combined forms (covering all that is needed, of course), and turning it into a cacophony of templates that contain mostly headers and little else. IT’S NOT NEEDED!! Quality = fit for use. That’s it – nothing more.

So, what’s got me so pissed today? Read just about any recent PMI articles and unless you have a $250 million project, everyone is mandating redundancy upon redundancy when it comes to documentation.

What’s happened to the fun in project management? What’s happened to the PM documenting everything that’s needed and no more? Since do PM’s have to use tons of fluff for the sake of ‘look at me, aren’t I great?’ What a sad state of affairs.

Don’t tell me that doesn’t happen. A while back (less than a hundred years) I was looking at a colleague’s Run Book, (always looking for best practices) when I realized that all the forms were there and each one contained one or two lines.

Well now, that’s a bunch of bullshit and a big waste of paper!

So, in looking into the project itself, it was barely medium and a straight up endeavor. So why all the fluff? Because it looked good on his book shelf with the other Run Books, when in reality, all he needed was about thirty (30) pages; he turned it into a three (3) inch thick binder.

So, what’s my point, you may well ask? When you document your project, make it FIT FOR USE (quality) and not something useless that perhaps makes you look good, until someone (like me) really looks at it. <evil grin>

And yes, I discussed the whole thing with the other PM and he was shocked, I tell you; shocked!

“Well, excuse me for being thorough!” he huffed.

“It’s bullshit and you know it,” I smiled.

“How would you have changed it?” he asked with his chin held high.

“I’d do away with all the cumbersome mostly blank forms and combine them as paragraphs into a document called: Project Management Plan.”

Dead silence as his eyebrows twitched. “It looks more substantial my way.”

“The Sox auditor comes in next week, you know. Let me know what she says.”

Then suddenly, he asked me to sit with him a bit and go over his books…. before next week.

Ah, good times….. good times.

Myths, and Things I just Don’t Get

2008-09-25T17:16:00.002-07:00

Why is Boston Market still open? Boston Markets only purpose (in my opinion) is to keep all other bad restaurants from being the worst place in town.

Walk fast, carry a clipboard and look worried, make you look important. No, it just makes you look unorganized and ill-equipped to do your job.

Copying everyone on all your emails makes you look important and productive. WRONG! This one really pisses me off. DO NOT copy anyone just for fun; make it count.

What is that crap in the center of a Twinkie? And why does it stay on your teeth until you brush again? Yikes, I just grossed myself out.

MYTHS:

Muffin-tops are cute. I think this one must have been made up by a fat chick. Yes, fat checks have the right to wear anything they want to, but a fat-tire peaking through between the t-shirt and jeans, is just plain nasty.

Girls get pleasure…. from riding horses. This one was made up by some horny teenage boy trying to explain why his girlfriend would rather ride her horse than spend time with him. Anyone who believes this should take a class in anatomy.

You’re Over Budget!
Not necessarily. Perhaps the budget I got when I took over the project, wasn’t worth a shit! Too many budgets are drawn up by people who don’t know squat about the technology. So… Phhhtt!

There are a lot more, and we’ll get to them when they come up….

Things That Generally Piss Me Off

2008-09-19T19:11:00.004-07:00

There are No Problems— Only Opportunities for Success

Well, isn’t that a crock of shit? How as a profession did we ever come up with an inane philosophy? We really have to stop demeaning ourselves and entire profession with such bullshit. If there were truly no problems, there wouldn’t be a need for project managers. Our value lies in the fact that we are skilled facilitators that solve problems!

If this were not true, then our jobs could be done by bright secretarial minded people (meaning highly organized), without all the classes, expense and upkeep (endless pdu’s).

So when you have a problem, grab yourself by your genitalia and call it what it is; a problem! If at the last minute you wuss-out, at least call it an issue, but never refer to it as an opportunity, or I swear to Starbucks, I’ll hunt you down and……..

There is no “I” in Team
Yes, I’ve already covered that one, but I have a couple of more thought. Usually that kind of manipulative crap comes from a sales dork, trying to get you to do ‘a little favor – some menial task that they could do for themselves, but are too elite or just plain lazy.

DON’T DO IT! It’s a slippery slope and it’s not easy getting back up that hill, unless you take a chain saw to the bastard (male or female)….

Case in point: An engineer on a project I was leading (business-as-usual, no big whoop) needed to fly across country for a three day job. He asked me to get him a window seat and a king-size bed because he hated to be cramped. I reminded him I was his project manager and not his assistant.

He then went in to a long (and boring) story about on his last job, the project manager insisted on doing everything for him. Bering the sensitive person I am, I suggested that possibly that other project manager wanted to sleep with him, and then assured him that I didn’t, so he’d have to fend for himself.

Collecting for Charity at Work

Yeah, this is a touchy subject, so let me explain before you to all Fox on me (referring to the hysterical diva O’Reilly at Fox News).

Before I happened to stumble into project management, I ran an office for a national service-type company. A sales dork (hmmm, I see a pattern forming) suggested that we put a large box wrapped in Christmas paper by the check-out desk, so our clients could bring in canned food items for the needy.

I questioned if that was really the place for such an endeavor, to which she replied (and I’m serious): “Well, maybe when they see the box, even if we don’t give them exactly what they want, they might realize that some people are not as fortunate as they are, and not complain.”

Did you get all that? What a self-serving con! And when in your experience have you’ve paid for something, but were willing to take less because some people are less fortunate than you?

I bet her twenty dollars that it wouldn’t work. One month later I collected my winnings standing right by the empty box.

“I just don’t get it,” she kept repeating. I just nodded and sighed: “I know.”

Paying Your Dues.......

2008-09-16T07:18:00.002-07:00

A hundred years ago… I started out as a project coordinator in a national IT company. I liked the job but decided that I wanted to grow up to be a project manager. In this particular company a coordinator was mostly a dead-end job, with not much of a chance to advance to project manager.

A Service Manager (we’ll call him Earl) asked me to become his personal assistant. I said, (and I quote), “Why the hell would I want to do that?”

“Because, if you help me get to be a director, I’ll make sure you become a project manager. I’ve seen you work and I’m smart enough to know that you can get me the position.”

“You mean you want me to package you like gum, and sell you to the corporation?”

“Precisely! You pay your dues, and in return, I’ll make sure you become a project manager! And the company will pay for all the classes.”

I agreed and began a process of sending out Service Updates, reports, spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations all with the Earl’s name on them. Most of the time he never even saw the reports— it was flattering to be trusted, I thought. Little by little, the corporation started to recognize Earl.

I began to take project management classes as fast as I could, and took to the methodology like a fat man to cake. When my chance came, I needed to be ready.

Earl was given more and more internal reporting projects and I did a damned good job on them. Then a glitch. A vice president decided to come to town and requested a PowerPoint presentation on a new flow I did regarding triage and the expediting of the service division. Honestly, it was a thing of beauty and the best part was that it actually worked.

We had a one day notice, and Earl doing the presentation… was not in the cards. Don’t get me wrong, Earl was a very bright man, with a lot of charm and could smooge with the best, but presenting someone else’s work without time to internalize the work behind it, was… not going to happen.

Luckily he came down with (wink-wink) ‘laryngitis’, so I had to do the presentation and explanation. It was flawless and the VP was very impressed with ‘Earl’ work.
After the presentation, he took Earl and I out to lunch to discuss some of the fine points. As he was studying one of the spreadsheets, he mentioned how complex it was and asked how long it took to learn Excel to that depth.

I said, “Well….” When Earl jumped in and blurted out, “she prints them out for me.”

“Well, I’m really impressed,” he smiled.

I was dumb struck. Then to add to my pain, there was talk of making him a director, and no sign of making me a project manager.

Later, I nailed Earl on it and he said, “I’m sorry.”

Sorry? He blatantly lied and took credit for all my work without even a crumb of credit. Fucking Sorry just didn’t cover it.

Thanks to Karma; two weeks later, all my work paid off. The same VP called me and asked me to do him a favor and take over a project for a PM that was getting married and quitting the business. I told him I’d be glad to. The bad news was the project was clear across the country and would run another four months.

The good news was it was a very high profile project and would solidify me as a real PM. The company agreed to allow me to fly home every weekend and pay for all my time, including flying. In three days, I was on a plane; first class. I worked hard, learned and completed the project on-time with a 4.85% approval rating out of 5.

When I returned home, Earl was anxiously waiting for me with a stack of work, but my position as project manager was solid. Earl would now have to sink or swim on his own.

Sixteen months later, Earl was back working as a service manager, and I was a credentialed project manager. Karma, baby — you got to love it!

I have new neighbors!

2008-09-11T09:06:00.003-07:00

I found out at 6:00pm when suddenly the sound of bass came pounding through my wall. I shrugged and gave it thirty minutes, then walked next door.

I explained to the young woman (in a sari) that her bass was rattling my bar ware. She said she would turn it down, and I left. She did turn the music down, but the bass was still pounding.

Okay, they just moved in— so I thought I’d give them a break. After several hours, I realized that no one could have the bass that loud and not know it, so when the clock struck ten, I called the police. Actually I believe I showed great restraint. Hooray for me.

The police did their duty and the music stopped. Ah, sweet bliss! Then much to my surprise, five minutes later, there cam a loud knock on my door.

“I am your new neighbor, Dr. (let’s call him Pompous- Ass). I understand my music is bothering you.”

“It’s not the music; it’s the bone-pounding bass. I thought head-bangers had moved in.” A little levity should relieve the uncomfortable situation, I thought.

“I have a new stereo system and I have to get used to it.”

“Cool, just turn down the bass,” I said figuring we were through, but nooooooo.

“If it’s too loud, just come over and tell me. Isn’t that easy?”

“Apparently not. I asked your wife to turn it down and three hours later I had to call the police.”

“It’s a new system. It took me a half a day to figure out how to turn on the television,” he said in a weirdly smarmy manner.

“Really? It took my lab puppy about three second to learn how to turn on the television, by accidentally stepping on the remote.” Well, I thought it was funny.

“I’m a doctor!” he said in a huff.

“And your point, is?” I was growing weary his attitude by now.

“I’m a doctor and I work much longer hours than you do….”

“Oh, don’t even go there,” I said as I felt my blood pressure rising. “You have no idea of what hours I work.”

“Ten o’clock is very early for a weekend party, and we have a lot of parties, you’ll just have to…..”

“I don’t give a shit if you party like it’s 1980 all week long, as long as I don’t have to hear it. What part of this is not clear to you?”

“I’m a doctor and I’ve worked with people like you before, and I…” he began in a high pitched voice.

“Well, I’ve worked with some pompous Brahmans like you before and the only reason they’re even in this country, is that they work cheap.” Cheap shot, but he deserved it.

“I have the right to enjoy my music!”

“Agreed, but your rights end where mine begin. Dude, just deep your damned bass down or I’ll call the police. It’s as easy as that.” With that I closed the door on Dr. Pompous-Ass.

What a dick!

Eureka, I think I found… oh crap, I didn’t!

2008-09-09T17:20:00.004-07:00

So the other offering that came out of left field that seemed golden on the surface; wasn’t.

Without going into too much detail for fear of revealing my true identify and thereby having to restrict my every word….. let’s just say I don’t think I was their flavor of candidate. Draw your own conclusion.

Of well, I have a great job looming (with crappy insurance), but none the less, it’s a great job.

Hooray for me!

High Profile Opportunity!

2008-09-05T10:07:00.002-07:00

I got a call from an agency with a two-year contract at one of the states most prestigious employers. Hell, two years is practically permanent, or at least close enough. And what a project! It was high profile, exciting, cutting edge technology; everything a project manager could wish for.

And the down-side? The agency’s medical plan fucking sucks! It barely qualifies as a benefit. It is by far the worst plan I’ve ever been offered.

I have only been to the doctor once in the past year for a flu shot, so do I really need good insurance? Am I ever really sick? Not so far, but I’m not in my twenties anymore. I knew a woman who had a stroke at twenty-seven. Twenty fucking seven!! She lived, but never fully recovered. I have a friend who broke his leg skiing….. long story, but it took forever to heal with a lot of trips to the doctor, none of which would be covered on this pretend plan I was offered.

It’s a terrific project and the money is great, but just say I hurt myself or get real sick. Then what?

So, what to do… what to do.

STAY TUNED

Dear Mr. Persnickety...

2008-09-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

When working on a very large, critical project, I sent out a comprehensive (new) BRD for everyone to look at. (Before this all requests and requirements were done over the phone – no lie!) This is what I received from one tech writer, and my responses are in italics:

Here are my comments on the BRD for client-specific issues. As I look up from my spot at the bottom of the org chart, I doubt that my approval is required for us to move ahead, but thanks for asking me to review the document. I hope these notes are helpful to you, even though this is one of those days when I'm a lot more persnickety than usual.

I included you on the distribution list was to okay the formatting piece. I asked for neither a review or a critique, but since you took the time to be persnickety, I'll attempt to dissuade your fears.

It's obvious that this document was written in haste. This does not affect my use of the document in the least, but I would recommend polishing it from stem to stern before this BRD is presented to clients or senior management.

There was no haste involved (LOL!). This is a living document and is by no means finished. Further, the entire project is internal, and no clients see any part of the BRD.

I noticed that item 1 under "Project Run Criteria" refers to a New Letter column heading that appears nowhere in this document. Neither does the Type of Letter column heading that is also mentioned there.

The New Letter and Letter Type columns are part of the original spreadsheet that started this whole endeavor. Those involved in the project understand the reference.

The list is missing two custom items that are sitting on my desk right now.

The new items are not listed in the master spreadsheet and/or the BRD because they do not yet exist. All the in-progress items are assigned to me as the project manager and I am tracking them.

That omission leads me to wonder whether the other lists are complete.

The lists are complete.

In the Trigger Event for the various items, I would change the wording to read "If the patient is a minor". Without the "a", "minor" is an adjective that says the letter only goes to trivial or unimportant patients. With the "a", it's clear that "minor" is a noun and that the issue is age, not personal status. Adding the word "the" just makes the description more idiomatic and easier to read.

This is a trigger, not a damned essay. Any/all developers that would be using this document will readily understand the meaning of the word ‘minor’.

Finally, I have a question that merely reflects my ignorance of standard Project Management professional terminology. On page 4, "Project Plan" is defined as "(this) Master document". Why? In my mind, there is a useful distinction between a description of the business requirements for a project (the BRD) and the project plan that is based upon those requirements. I always understood that the latter, even at the most general level of planning, has to include a list of goals or milestones accompanied by their (sometimes approximate) deadline dates. Which is not part of the document we are considering here.

Every one thinks they’re a project manager… Yes, I am amused! As in the BRD, the Work Breakdown Structure (schedule) complete with milestone and due dates will be hyperlinked along with test plans, results and more. Goals and milestone as in essence the same thing. To Clarify: the PROJECT PLAN is the totality of all project document necessary to complete the project. The SCHEDULE or WBS (work breakdown structure) is in MS Project.

After receiving my reply, he called and apologized blaming his tirade on a bad work environment.

TRUE STORY!

The Smack Down

2008-08-25T10:39:00.003-07:00

Back in the day, I worked with a spunky female project manager, we’ll call Lynn. She was strong, effective and didn’t take shit from anyone.

I was in the office early one morning, along with Lynn, when the new (sleazy) sales guy came in carrying a stack of papers. He stood by the photocopy machine, shifting from one foot to another, glancing at us from the corner of his eye. We ignored him.

Then he started to walk towards us, smiling at Lynn. ‘Oh, hell no!’ I screamed inside my head, as I stepped back about ten paces.

As he approached, Lynn glared a warning at his dumb-ass, but it went un-heeded.

“Excuse me,” he began, but can you help me with the photocopy machine?” Oh, and he smiled his best smile and he tilted his head.

“I’m a project manager,” she said coolly as she raised her hand in a ‘stop’ motion.

“There is no ‘I’ in team,” he nodded in a condescending manner.

I held my breath.

“There’s no “I” in "Fuck you", either. So what’s your point?” she glared.

“I….just need some help with the…..” he stammered.

“Oh, I see,” she smiled (like a cobra, if a cobra could smile). “You are one of the dinosaurs that still believe that it takes breasts to operate office equipment. The directions are on the wall, but I’m probably making a dangerous assumption that you can read. ”

“I, I, I…” was all he could say.

“Figure it out,” she smiled coldly as she turned and walked away.

Later that day I was having lunch (okay, deliberately) with the Sales Director and he told me about the new guys run-in with Lynn.

He said (and I quote): “I told the dumb-shit not to fuck with her unless he’s carrying pepper stray and his life insurance is paid up.” The Sales Director was not only a close friend of Lynn’s, but she was also making the company a ton of money, which is even more important.

From that day on, the sales guy came no where near her.

What the Hell is Wrong with People?

2008-08-22T11:33:00.001-07:00

Everyone project manager (credentialed or not) know that projects run on COMMUNICATIONS. Without it, you are doomed. Simple, huh?

Then, why don’t corporations realize this fucking fact? You’re told that ‘we’ll make our decision by Wednesday and let everyone know’, yet sometimes you never hear, one way or another. Or an agency will say, I’ll get back to you on Monday, but they don’t. When you finally track them down, they say “I didn’t call because I didn’t have any news to tell you.”

Okay, PM’s out there; is that a viable reason? Hell, No! We all know that Communication is the basis of life itself. You know how it goes. If you don’t get that expected phone call, no matter who it’s from (agency, boss, significant other….) you start rationalizing the reason, and usually, it’s ugly.

Why then, when a simple phone call, text message or email could alleviate this whole bullshit experience, don’t they just do it? Hell, if I know! Oh, and even better; an agency doesn’t keep you abreast on news and then they’re horrified that you accept a different job, even though you’ve not heard from them in weeks.

Yeah, you get it. How fucking dare they! Well, they dare. So what’s the alternative, besides winning the freakin’ lottery? Yeah, I never swear about the lottery, just in case the lottery gods are listening.

With agencies, I find one who shows at least some respect for me and my time and stay with them. If they’re good, they’ll stick with you and eventually find you the job you want. I’ve been in this way too long to just settle any more.

And what do we take away from this rant today? You job as a PM or just a human being is to FOLLOW UP! Send that email, type that text message, or for shit sake, pick up your fucking cell phone and make that call! Is it really that simple? Hell, YES!

A Good Deed Never Goes Unpunished

2008-08-20T07:25:00.007-07:00

Long ago, I worked for a company that didn’t have an actual PMO. No, seriously, they didn’t, but that’s okay. I reported to a Director who was responsible for several divisions, including the project management and service division.

There were seven service managers and were looking for one more.

Stay out of it, I told myself. Why do you care? He’s a big boy; he can fend for himself. ‘Who?” you’re asking.

There was this middle-aged engineer, we’ll call Milton (yeah, after the Office Space guy). He was kinda’ dumpy, with thick glasses and didn’t take very good care of himself. You know… dirty glasses, greasy hair, and stained clothes. Conversely, he was a nice guy, highly religious and he loved his wife… and probably puppies too.

For some unknown reason, I felt kind of sorry for him. Maybe it’s because he seemed to have managerial potential, or possibly it was because he was just too old to be stuck as an engineer along side kids.

The director was a buddy of mine, so I suggested that he might give Milton a chance at the position. He pointed out all his flaws and added some I hadn’t thought of, including the fact that he brayed like a mule.

“Come on, everyone has their quirks,” I pointed out. “If he can’t cut it, you can always send him back to the field. He’s done good work for the company, and he deserves this chance.”

“Okay, but I’m betting you’re wrong, and within six months, he’ll be back in the field.”

“He’ll be fine, besides some of the other service managers are no prizes either.”
He laughed and promoted Milton.

He stopped by my office to tell me the good news and was on top of the world. “The company finally recognized my work! I knew they would eventually! I’m on the fast track, now!” I congratulated him, and felt rather smug that I was able to help him.

My office was right next to the Director’s office, and Milton’s new digs were directly outside my office.

Now the downside. Milton talked on the phone… a lot, and every phone call was taken or made on speaker phone. He was loud, but when the director was in, he was earsplitting, and the sound came right through my door. He was annoying, but not just to me. I started getting calls about his ‘attitude’, and his being a pompous pain-in-the ass, and that it was all my fault… Yeah, okay... but there’s no sense in placing blame, now is there?

Then one day, Milton came in to my office in an absolute panic. He told me that one of the service managers said… fuck to him.

“Okay, and…?” I asked.

“He said fuck to me a lot! He said I was a fuck-wad, that I should go fuck myself and he called me a fucking dip-shit!”

“And…?” I asked.

“He was terrible to me! What are you going to do about it?”

“What the fuck do you want me to do about it?” I asked in all sincerity.

His eyes bugged out and he left my office without another word. And it wasn’t until almost thirty minutes later that I realized my response was one of the singularly funniest things ever said. Yeah, and I still laugh about it.

Funny thing… he never came to me for sympathy again.

Speaking of Memories...

2008-08-17T07:51:00.001-07:00

Call her Michael…..

Her name was Michael, not Michelle. She was a project coordinator and everything about her made me crazy… and not in the good way.

She was a big girl in hiking boots and ankle length skirts, with long black hair and not a touch of makeup, except for dark brown lipstick. Since I don’t judge people by their looks, that’s not what drove me crazy.

She was competent enough, but she rambled— when people were around or when she was alone. She complained about everything from the temperature of the office to the soup in the cafeteria. Don’t get me wrong, I hate goody-two-shoes Pollyanna’s, but being around someone that does nothing but bitch from 8 to 5 is just depressing.

I never would have hired the woman, but alas I inherited her, so I was stuck. God knows I tried to tune her out, but our desks were just close enough that her constant bitching, moaning and complaining bored into my brain like a Japanese beetle.

Finally, in desperation, I bought a set of headphones. Most of the time I didn’t listen to music, I just use them to block the droning bitch-fest.

Repeating a Broken Process, Hoping for a Different Outcome…..

is generally considered insanity, which is a perfect description of a bank I did a short contract with. I hate banks. They are stuffy, predictable, boring and the polar opposite of a place any project manager with even a modicum of creativity should work. But once in a moment of ‘bonding’ I took s short contract at a bank, because a friend of mine worked there, and talked me in to it. It wasn’t real bank work, but a root cause analysis gig that should only take a couple of months. Piece-o-cake!

The people were friendly, the offices were bank-ish and the gig and was simple root cause analysis involving a broken process. I met with the process owner and he explained the very involved, but not documented process flow and what ‘wasn’t happening’, or to us edu-macated project managers— he just needed a gap analysis.

I spoke to the stakeholders, drafted out the flow in Visio and found the problem readily. I was working myself out of a job, but what the hell. I wrote up a neat report, color coding the flow for easy assimilation and met with the process owner.

The problem came down, oddly enough, to one man who had been with the bank for over thirty years. I had a list of very simple and blatantly obvious corrections that were needed. I was told (and I swear this is true) “But that’s not the way we do things here.” Should I repeat that for you? I was told “that’s not the way we do things here.”

I just stared at him for a moment and asked if there was anything else he needed me to do, handed him the nicely bound report, called my agency and left. So that is one of many reasons why, I HATE FREAKIN’ BANKS!

Maybe it’s just me, but I like— no I need variety. I’ve done just about every type of project management possible, with the exception of construction. I know some project manager’s that do nothing but software development and love it. Sometimes I wish I could find a niche and just plug along, but I can’t. The unusual challenge is out there, and it’s calling me. I just need to find it.

More Memories

2008-08-15T04:47:00.003-07:00

Societal Paradigm Shift……

Just for fun, let’s say you worked for a female vice president, fortyish, in great shape, attractive and easy to work with. With all her good qualities, there was one that really bugged you. She scratched herself; not her head or her arm… she was always digging at her crotch.

So, what do you do? Of course in your mind, you wonder if you should offer to help.

The reality of the story was the vice president was a man. Now that puts a whole different spin on the events, doesn’t it? A woman scratching herself is not offensive; it’s funny. A man digging at his crotch is…. yeah, you get the picture.

Psychically you try to tell him to ‘use baby powder’ or ‘take a good hot shower’, or ‘date a better class of women……’ The situation is still funny, but a lot more disgusting. He scratched in front of men, women, employees and customers. It was as if he didn’t even realize he was even doing it.

It’s the same act of scratching, in the same body area. The only difference is one is a man and one is a woman, Yet with a woman it’s funny and with a man it’s just plain dirty.

Interesting, huh? I don’t dictate perception, I just comment on it.

The Velvet Hammer…..

We’ll call her ‘Martha’. She was a project manager in her early sixties, with a keen fashion sense, and totally self-centered. She was the centered of the universe… which is more typical of women in their early twenties. A self-proclaimed ‘perfectionist’, Martha had the best taste in clothes, makeup, hair, and just about everything else imaginable.

That by itself wouldn’t earn space in my rant except for her unabashed self-serving bullshit. You could talk to Martha one-on-one; no problem. But when anyone else was around, or happen by, watch out!

Martha and I were talking before a PMO meeting, when our director walked by. Suddenly she said (for no apparent reason) “I can’t believe what you said!” The director stopped and turned back and said ‘Excuse me?” She then said, “I can’t believe what (the Pundit) just said. I’m so embarrassed!”

“The director just shrugged and he walked away shaking his head. Luckily she wasn’t one of his favorite people.

“What the hell was that about, Martha?”

“Well, you always say embarrassing things. You know how you are!”

Martha embarrassed? Fat fucking chance! This is the same woman who gave advise to a group of women on how to give a great BJ— true story.

This was not an isolated incident, and the worst part was, I inadvertently got sucked into her fantasies many times over the next two years. Her timing was impeccable; she was the only one who ever heard my alleged obscenities It was a classic case of ‘making herself look good, but making others look bad’. Thankfully, the director saw through her cunning plan.

Each time it happened, I just wanted to say, ‘Go fuck yourself’, but I couldn’t afford to turn the whole thing into a ever escalating conflict in a company that believed that the PMO member were BFF. Yeah…

While I’m Still Looking for the Right Job...

2008-08-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

So until I find that illusive perfect job, I’ll be taking you down Memory Lane with short little stories of people and places I’ve encountered in my project management life.

Enjoy!

A Trip Down Memory Lane: The Bosses Wife

2008-08-11T09:50:00.001-07:00

One day, for whatever reason, I was thinking back to a time in my career where my only complaint was… the bosses wife (we’ll call her ‘Barb’). No, I didn’t want to ‘get to know her better’. Hell, I didn’t even like her, but I liked my boss (we’ll call him ‘Tom’) and we worked well together.

I was writing a promo piece for the division hyping career paths, communications, how the company ‘valued’ every employee… and all that good shit. Seriously, it was eight pages of fluff; just what was needed to pacify the whiney-ass ‘neglected’ off-site engineers. I dropped it on Tom’s desk for a read-through, and left for the day.

The next morning, he came in to my office (yeah, pm’s had offices back-in-the-day) and sheepishly handed it to me and said: ‘Barb edited it’. I nodded it with a weak smile and he left.

It seems that the ‘never employed’ Barb didn’t like the phrase ‘Career Pathing’ and circled it in red ink, calling it a ‘no-no’. I’m supposed to listen to a grown woman who actually used the term, ‘no-no’? Not fucking likely. There were three examples of the no-no bullshit, all on accepted advertising terms. It was obvious that her creative crayon box was totally empty!

When I came sauntering into Tom’s office he shrugged sheepishly.

I simply said, ‘what the fuck?’ I asked him if he’d read her edits and he said ‘yes’, and that she was just trying to help. I showed him one of the corporations standard sales pieces that used all the ‘objectionable phrases’. I then told him I’d make all her corrections, but I’d put his name on it instead of mine. His eyes widened and said to go with my original draft.

I smiled and asked, “a no-no?”

“Yeah, I hate that gooey shit, too, but what am I supposed to do?”

“Maybe, keep company work away from her?”

“Yeah,” he moaned. “I’ll let you know how that works out.”

That day I realized I worked for a total pussy. I still liked him, but he was none-the-less, a pussy.

WTF Do They Want?

2008-08-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

My latest interview was with an up and coming company for a position that I was perfect for, and visa versa. Most positions you settle for, but this one I really wanted. It was my dream job and I was primed and ready. The interviewer asked only two questions: ‘What do you like to do?’ and ‘What is your project management technique?’

I spoke of team building, succeeding or failing as a team, personal accountability, communications, stakeholder updates and the need for complete documentation. I then talked about empowering the team to do their best work, creating a firm, but realistic schedules, and never chewing someone’s ass in front of others. Respect should flow both ways.

Nailed it!

He seemed to agree with me on every point, so you can imagine my surprise to hear he passed on me because he felt that I was ‘not tough enough’. Not tough enough? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m the one that my teams call a hard-ass, tyrant, and a cross between a Tasmanian Devil and Superman, which in my opinion is a perfect balance for a project manager. He wanted ‘someone that was street-wise’.

How’s this for street-wise: I have my PMP, black belt in Six Sigma, Masters in project management, and enough pdu’s each year to choke a horse. I literally live, breath and crap project management. So my question is ‘what the fuck do they want?’ Or more accurately, ‘does he know anything at all about project management? That’s probably a more accurate question, but that doesn’t help me at all.

My dream job has vanished. Of course he was wrong and because he was an inept interviewer, he’ll never know that he passed on exactly what he needed; me. Who would have guessed that being a competent, PMI spouting project manager, lost me my dream job.

And my search continues…..

Beware Emotional Vampires

2008-07-29T11:05:00.001-07:00

I am searching these days for that illusive line between Positive Thinking and Self Delusion. Every time I think I’ve struck the perfect balance between the two, I find that I’m woefully wrong; especially when it comes to friends, or rather, acquaintances.

Let me explain. I’m one of those people that everyone seems to go to for validation. For some reason, my acceptance is needed to validate life itself. Sometimes I play along and bless them, however… sometimes the person neither warrants or deserves validation. Sometimes the person is just having a pity party and wants me to assure them that they are either right and life sucks, or talk them into seeing how truly gifted and marvelous they really are. Homey don’t play those games anymore, because those games can suck the life right out of you; I will not empower emotional vampires. Say it with me: “I will not empower emotional vampires”. And believe it or not, at the moment, your probably are.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the there are no problems, only opportunities bullshit. I’m talking about an intelligent, creative approach rather than the much too easy let whoever caused the problem solve it. As I’ve said before: as a team we either all succeed or we all fail. It seems too easy, why do so few people get it?

Okay, so where does that leave us? How do you keep a realistic positive attitude when the world around you is falling into the abyss? Oh, wait! That sounded rather negative, didn’t it? OMG, it’s catching! Think of unicorns… unicorns and puppies…… okay, I’m better.

So how do you deal with a gloom and doom team member? What do you do with the person who can fall into a pile of rose’s petals and complain that about the smell of fertilizer? How do you stop that kind of thinking from infecting your whole team; and it will if left unchecked.

First you have to set up some rules to derail the emotional vampire:

Declare your meeting space a negative-free zone.
Of course you can talk about problems, but leave the emotions as the door. And repeating ‘we’re screwed’ over and over is not allowed.

Be prepared to discuss your part of the project; the good, the bad and the ugly.
And if someone on the team has helped you out with something, say to. Give credit where credit is due. Ask your EV directly is anyone has been a help to them since the last meeting. Force them to have a positive thought.

If you are aware of an issue before the meeting, come with some possible solutions.
Just throwing out a problem with no solution, is fodder for the EV and gives him/her a starting gun for the gloom and doom scenario.

Everyone must participate in the meeting.
No one is allowed to just stare at the clock and sigh.

That’s a good start. We’ll go into more ideas as they come. Right now I have to string some garlic for my next team meeting.

A Friends Job Interview Story

2008-07-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me this heartwarming story of her latest interview…

I interviewed with a major semi-national company that was hiring for a project management positions. I was qualified with over ten years experience. I read their website, news clippings and talked to an acquaintance who worked there two years prior to get a feel for the lay of the land.

The interviewer was a middle-aged man with very dark hair, and we seemed to hit it off. The interview took about one hour. Less than that and it generally means, there’s no interest. More than that… I don’t know what that means, except perhaps I was more interesting than his next scheduled meeting.

I asked deep and thought provoking questions, showing that I had a great interest in the position as well as the company at large. He stared intently at me. I stared back. I felt me made a connection, or we were both just daydreaming.

So after an hour, he thanked me for coming in. We got up and started for the door, when he said, “So, I originally asked to see you last Friday, but you had a conflict in your schedule. Is that right?”

“Yes, I did, and I appreciate that you had the time to talk to me today,” I said with a warm, yet not smarmy smile, thinking--- Wow, what an odd question. If he was pissed for the blow off, why did he want to see me at all? Actually, my conflict was a lunch date that I really didn’t want to change. And yes, it was worth it.

He smiled oddly, raised his eyebrow and said I’d be hearing from them. Yeah, I nailed it!

So I bugged my agency and waited to hear. Then out of the blue a female friend of mine called to say she just started a new job… at the major semi-national company. I asked her when she accepted the position and she said it was last Friday. I asked what she’d be doing, and she said she’d be managing the (same project I just interviewed for) project.

“Are they looking for any more project managers?” I asked.

“No, I got the only position. Boy do I feel lucky!” she bubbled.

I congratulated her and wished her the very best. She will do very well because she is an excellent PM……

So now the questions is, why put him through the hoops? Why even bother interviewing her if another already started? Was she being punished for not being available at a two hour notice? In my estimation, that’s just tough shit!

I make it a rule that I need at least a one-day notice, because if a company can’t do that, then they don’t give a crap about their employees and it would never work out anyway.

I’m trying to put this all on to perspective, I keep wondering: WTF was that all about?

An Open Letter to the Pain-in-the-Ass on every project:

2008-04-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear [insert name here],
You are a brilliant [insert title]
You have more certifications than a rehab center
You seem to love your mother

However,
You are negative
You are a whiner
You are cranky and a know-it-all
You are always late to meetings, if you show up at all
You seem to think you're above answering emails
You demean your co-workers
You drop the F-bomb inappropriately (which at times, can be very funny)
I can't trust to let you in the same room with the client
Your task duration estimates always have a month lag time built in
You drop bad news prematurely, claiming that you were taught to tell the truth
You have never learned the value of silence
You exaggerate, if not plain lie

All in all, you are a royal pain in the ass and WAY too high maintenance. Next project, I'm kicking your sorry-ass to the curb.

I’m feeling much better now!

Will Work for Food

2008-04-10T17:25:00.003-07:00

It seems that Wonderland wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Yes, the Stepford-Children-of-the- Corn are all well. Well, as well as twisted demons from hell can be, I guess. And nice was a façade covering I really hate my job, but I’m making a shit-pot full of money, so I’ll just pretend with a big fat plastic smile.

Funny story that all started about a month ago…

My massive software development project was thriving and moving towards the second phase closure right on time. Hooray for us; right? Wrong. It came to light in a great Moses-on-the-mountain moment that the next four phases did not have a chance in hell of making the pull-it-out-of-your-ass deadline.

My decision was to alert the corporate relationship manager. He simply said to make it work and don’t tell the client.

Ah, postpone bad new and make it worse, I thought to myself.

What about the weekly report with bogus dates? I asked innocently. ‘Go with the old dates’, came the answer.

“Ya’ know, being a credentialed project manager and generally an honest person… I’m not comfortable with deliberately misleading the client,” says I.

“It’s not misleading! It’s more like just not telling the client all the material facts.”

“And just how is that different than misleading?”

“Just go with the old dates,” I was told firmly.

Rather than overtly lie, I prefaced my report with, “as per the schedule’… I wasn’t proud of it but I took comfort in the fact that I wasn’t really lying… I needed the job and I was making a shit-pot full of money.

So, just about the time I convinced myself that we’d somehow break the news to the client and everything was going to be okay, the unthinkable struck. We found out that project-wise, the Queen Mary just fell through the cracks.

No sign off’s by those who should have known? No, all the signatures were in place

Weak business requirements? Don’t know, I took the project over a year and a half in and it was made clear that I did not own the relationship, the corporate relationship manager did.

Then what? Maybe it’s a case of ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’. Unfortunately it happens all too often and there is really nothing you can do, except to have built an open and trusting relationship with your client that can whether bad news. It’s a good plan, but certainly not in place on this project (hey, remember I didn’t own the relationship!).

My first thought was gather all the facts, including Risks with possible solution, estimated correction timeline and present it to the client; you know the usual, and go from there. I left the relationship manager a clear and concise message. He did not call me back, but sent me an email stating that my presence on the project was no long required. WTF?

It was clear that the corporate policy of ‘lie and deny’ was in full force and effect, and they knew I would be a stumbling block. My feeling is that this is the new age corporate business model. I cannot function that way, so I’m once again I’m contemplating the idea of a long-term or permanent position, or better yet, six perfect numbers!

Unsung Heros

2008-03-24T13:59:00.002-07:00

"You're doing a great job!
We've all heard it many times over the course of a project, from Directors, VP's and other corporate entities. In your head you probably say: 'Of course I'm doing a great job. If it weren't I wouldn't be here.'
We, as project managers are used to hearing that we're capable, talented and valued. Not everyone gets that satisfying kind of ego stroking. Often they work quietly in the background, but are every bit as important as those on the front lines. True, they seldom have to take the rap for things gone wrong, but the glory is seldom shared either.

One of the most important things a PM can do is to share the kudos. No matter how experienced we are and even if our career success average is a solid 4.85% out of 5; we cannot and do not do the project alone.

We have our engineers (of some kind) coordinators, vendors, BA's (don't get me started) and assorted others that track time against our projects. One person in particular is what this company calls an Administrator. He's the one that makes sure our Change Orders, personnel requests and assorted other project documents are executed and pushed along the corporate train tracks towards approval. Do I take him for granted, assuming he's doing his job correctly? Yes I do. I know him and he's never missed a beat. Does it make sense to thank someone for doing their job? Probably not, but expressing gratitude for a job well one is another thing.

Buying a $10 Starbucks gift card is a great way to say thanks. Come on, PM — pony up some gratitude! And while you're at it, if you're lucky enough to have a great coordinator, pick on up for him/her. Oh hell, and grab yourself one of those goopy caramel things.

Venti; of course.

Be Careful What You Ask For!

2008-02-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

When I’m being interviewed, I’m always asked what I’m looking for in a company. In my in-side-the-head voice say: “I want to make a butt load of money due to my genius, work about 3 hours a day and have my teams adore and worship me for my knowledge and guts.” But what generally comes out is: “I want to work with nice people…..”

Well I’ll be damned! I got my wish! The nice people part, not the butt load of money part. Nice people, great surroundings and a decent paycheck. I should be in hog’s heaven, don’t you think? But I’m not. Root cause analysis time! I ask:
What is bothering you? The nice people.
Isn’t that what you wanted? Yes
So what’s the problem? You have nice people, just like you asked. Wait! Maybe we should define ‘nice’! (Ah-ha, the $3.50 I spent on the coffee while reading a USA Today introspective on proto-analysis is now paying big dividends!)

What is nice? Let’s make a list of nice attributes, after all we’re project managers and lists are our life!
Nice is:
People not being deliberate pains-in-the-ass
People who smile appropriately
People to offer help and suggestions rather than demand help
People who can stop working long enough to engage in occasional social banter.

So, are the people ‘nice’?
Yep, they certainly are!
Then what is the problem?
Wait; is there such a thing as being too nice? Ahhhhh-haaaa…
Yes, they smile way too much! No one is that happy! Have they missed scheduled medications or just waiting for an opportune time to cook off some crystalline devils dandruff? Crap, these folks wouldn’t say shit if they had a burning bag of it on their desks! What kind of games are they playing? Do they have something so hideous in their pasts that they can’t stop smiling as the reoccurring memories are just too delicious?

How does this effect the day’s progress?
One nice guy hijacks all conversations within ear shot. No matter what the focus of the discussion. This nice person will jumps in commandeer the conversation and wander off in the weirdest direction! Seriously, he smiles and injects: “yeah, but, you know what if…” And continues to describe or construct a straw-man or a contention that is so full of crap, you wonder how he could pile it that high and it not slump over due to gravity. Then, the other nice folks, blindly follow the course and respond in a children-of-the-corn type monotone: “no, I never thought that…’. And off we go!
By then I just want to shove hot burning spikes deep into my ears and block it all out…

Silence is it really golden?
Yes – I will be talking to another PM (prairie-dog cubes; no privacy) about an unresolved issue when a nice person turns around in their chair and offers unsolicited, unwanted, untimely, uninformed advice on how they would handle the situation. The nice person never understands the reality that if you wanted their input, you would have come to them in the first place...

How many pleasant conversations can you have about the lovely freakin’ weather? I think I’m working with Stepford-Children-Of-The-Corn people, except these clones are just comical looking out of shape real people.

I am too the point of standing up on my desk, dropping my pants and while the cold hard winds of truth blow though my nether regions; burst out with a melody of coarse expletives that would make a longshoreman blush! Just to bring a bit of worldly grit into play! Next time an employer asks what I want in a company, I may have to just tell them the truth.

What has me frustrated today?

2008-01-28T11:36:00.001-07:00

Could it be the multi-million dollar budget, the inevitable time crunch, inane vendor problems, or the ever present resource constraint? Not exactly. I have plenty of money and plenty of people. The problem is as always I own the project, but not the resources. What’s the difference, you ask?

The problem is resources do not report to me, but I’m responsible for their output. They have a functional manager who isn’t the least bit interested in the project or what his people are assigned to accomplish.

I have attempted to engage the disinterested functional manager for some backup and was told to “beat them up”. Personally, there is nothing I like better than kicking sorry asses, but that particular skill is not listed in the project managers roles and responsibilities on this particular project. I am destined to take on projects that are stalled, flummoxed, screwed, or in the wonderful land of FUBAR. My talent and lot in my professional life is to fix the broken and totally fucked up. And my current morass is stalled, broken and totally fucked up.

I know the current theory is to influence without authority, but we all now that’s pure bullshit. So what to do; what to do… following are some historical leverages that have worked for me:

Let them know you recognize their experience and value their expertise in the current environment; but do not fawn over them. (kiss ass!)

Give them an overview of your experience and expertise; but do not gloat. (blind them with my personal professional brilliance!)

Keep it light and occasionally email the team some sort of geek joke. I’m serious; you are a project manager, but let’s face it, there’s a bit of geek in all of us. (bond with the lame fuckers!)

Send out timely reminders for meetings with attachments as needed, and always send out follow-up Action Item lists with due dates. (nag their collective asses off!)

Make it clear that everyone has ‘skin in the game’ and everyone will be held responsible. The entire team will either succeed or fail together. (scare the dummies – if I go down I am taking the ship and crew with me! And I will haunt the survivors!)

And when your team starts to really click, it wouldn’t hurt to bring in food, the higher in calories and carbohydrates the better. (deep fried bribery will get you most things!)

Any and all combinations of the above can and will work small miracles in most totally screwed red zone projects.

So You Need A Business Analyst, You Say?

2008-01-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

We’ve got your BA’s! We’ve got big ones, small ones, short ones and tall ones. BA’s that speak English, BA’s that speak Hindi, some that speak Pig Latin and one that claims to speak Klingon! They’re trained to analyze, document, figure shit out, by god! The only problem is that they’re not accustomed to any real work.

I work for a huge multi-national and in all the time I’ve been here there are only two BA’s that are worth a shit. One in particular, who I will call Barbie is a giggling twit or twat, to quote the Queen's English more precisely. She holds court for most of day discussing her latest date, shoes, her workout at the gym and how the BA’s should rise up and demand better… of everything.

At that point I can’t help thinking that just one grenade would rid us of all of them…. but then again, that wouldn’t be very nice, now would it. But seriously, how much harm would come from duct taping them to their chair for a few hours at a time to get something done? No permanent marks, except for some deforestation on the hairier members and some could even benefit from the experience. I believe duct tape helps the undisciplined find real focus. Think about his the next time you have trouble getting your deliverables on time. Oh, and it works equally well on programmers.

I’d like to blame youth as the cause, but I’ve heard the same kind of crap from team members with "more than 25 years experience." Well hell, then they should cut the crap and get the work done. It comes down to, if you don’t like your job, than change your career or at least the company you’re working for. Not every company/person are a good fit. Unlike corporate beliefs mantra, we are not interchangeable assholes. Just pull one out and plug in another without missing a beat. I wish it wasn't that easy, but most of the time it is.

Building a cohesive team takes time, and once you have a good one, hold on to it. The hard part is getting buy-in from all the members. Some understand the necessity and some work hard at being loaners with a ‘nobody gets me’ attitude. The latter can destroy a team, so you have two choices: win them over or kick them to the curb. I always offer cookies, but on most days I wear lug soled boots; just in case.

"I’ll take 'What is pissing you off today?' For $200, Alex."

2007-08-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

What is: The Douche!

Every company has one or more of this archetype. Yours may be old or young; male or female. When the day is done, they're all egotistical, narcissistic, self-absorbed, arrogant, pompous, royal pains-in-the-ass.

Allow me to elaborate: Loud, too smiley, pontifical and rambles about theory, concepts and general nonsense. The strange and mysterious drivel falling from their lips is generally 100% erroneous, flawed, incorrect or invalid! The words, "I don't know" have never crossed their lips. they just wing it and like some monkey in a cage fling shit at the wall in hopes some of it may stick. The claptrap has nothing in particular to do with the question at hand. They come in late, take long lunches and go to meetings they are not invited to, just so they can complain how overworked they are. And the most irritating part is that they always do it with a big smile and a sigh. Makes me want to go all “Leatherface”!

We are working together on different sections of a large complex interdependent project. As a courtesy informed the douche I was going to lunch, to which was replied: "That will be acceptable." I wasn't asking permission as I don't report to the douche! But the fool is always on-stage, playing to the assembled crowd and getting on the last nerve I have.

Any good project manager knows when acting as a Facilitator (for a RAD/JAD) you say touchy-feely things like, "What I hear you saying is…", but the silly douche repeats every key point that's made by anyone in a meeting; slowly while nodding in agreement. The assembled crowed rolls their eyes or checks time on their cell phones. Fire up the chainsaw!

Probably the most worrisome trait is how the douche attempts to turn every remark into a sexual double entendre. Now, I work with some very robust and tough women project managers and most are highly skilled in vocal bouts that would make a longshoreman blush. But, damn! Listening to a douche spouting snickering twelve year old boy’s female anatomy jokes, is just embarrassing.

Most go to their “happy place” and dream of unicorns, puppies and kittens - I hear the sounds of a revving two stroke engine, a leather mask and maybe a few screams of terror…

Wonderland

2007-06-12T14:24:00.001-07:00

It's been a tumultuous bunch of weeks here in Wonderland. I haven’t been able to have a quiet thought, or give two minutes to ranting about it.

Two more project managers packed up and left, and one was let go. Still the same horrendous amount of work, with the same impossible drop dead dates, and no plan to back-fill the vacated positions.

Why all the upheaval? My guess would be that you cannot have a PMO comprised with nothing but contractors. Full time employees have a sense of permanence, a future of sorts. Contractors owe the company nothing more than an honest days work. There was the promise of eventually going perm, but so far well after one year, only one person has brought into the hallowed arena of a FTE (sound of angels singing).

I work on very high profile special projects. Not short bus special; but high visibility reporting to “C” level douche-nozzles. You know, the projects that have all the special issues of “if not completed on time, the company will not make security compliance or federal compliance or the hair will fall off the CIO’s left sack, if not done NOW!

To add insult to injury, my so called director intimated that maybe I shouldn't claim more than forty hours per week. Sure, that will happen, when I see a flock of pigs zooming past my third floor window! I'd love to put in only forty hours per week, but if I did, that drop dead date would go whizzing by my head like shots from a drive by shooting gone bad. So to get just the absolutes done I'm doing almost 60 hours per week. Yeah, I'm billing an ass load of time and making a ton of money, but spending a good amount of it on antacids and aspirin. I think I am beginning to hallucinate…

I can think back in 'the day' when project management was fun. Challenging, but not demeaning, and you'd never have to justify yourself. You were hired because you were a proven professional and the corporation let you to do what you do best.

When something went south in the project, you owned up to it, and when you did pulled the magic rabbit out of your butt and saved the day, the corporation knew about it. How? No horn blowing of course, but a single congratulatory email to the whole team, mentioning the high point of the project. End it with well wishes and the hope that you will work with them again. Add your signature and viola….

Okay, so all of that is not was I'm pissed off about. It's fucking so called PMO director. He knows very little about project management. So little in fact, that if it were represented by pinto beans, he couldn’t even manage a small fart! He has he never even successfully run a project. He's just a big bag of wind, taking up way too much space in the universe. His just walking through the PM rabbit warrens asking inane questions and trying to sound important. It makes by blood pressure jump to uncivil levels. Why such a reaction? Mostly because he's taken credit for some of my best work. Project managers by their very nature are possessive when it comes to their project. That's not to mean they micro manage or refuse to delegate. They manage in every sense of the word, and someone taking credit for their work fucking pisses them off.

What Dreams May Come

2007-04-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

We all know that you don’t have to be certified to be a great project manager; but it helps.

Not the certification itself, but firm grasp of the PMI methodology, procedures, forms and templates. Having said that, how can a Project Management Director not be certified or even had a project management class?

You may shrug and say: “Well, I guess that… maybe if….”

No; there is no way that someone can effectively direct project managers without a deep pool of experience and solid methodology. Case in point. Our PMO director was talking about the Triple Constraint as Better, Faster, Cheaper. (WTF?)

I said, “You mean, on time, within budget, to specifications?” And he replied, ”Yeah, same difference.”

Why is it the most uninformed people are always the most dogmatic?

You’ve sat in many a meeting listening to people droning on and repeat themselves endlessly, knowing you are the smartest person in the room and wondering how if you are so fucking smart why couldn’t you figured out how to get out of the damned meeting?

My project update meetings are held in minutes, not hours. We have an agenda and stick to it; mostly.

On my last major infrastructure project I had three engineers that weren’t impressed by my project management credentials… They knew better, about everything and fought on every point, making the meetings drag on endlessly. After about two of these endless pointless group gropes; at the next meeting when they showed up, all the chairs had been removed, leaving just the conference table.

I stood with a clip board and began going through the agenda. They were dumbfounded. They stammered, shifted from foot to foot and the ring leader of the three began to smile, ever so slightly. The meeting was wrapped up in about twenty minutes. I had cooperation and maybe a little respect. Is it that simple? Sometimes it is.

But what if the impediment to your job is the director? I’m sure you’ve worked for the type that has an automated response that is demeaning or just plain rude. Civilized professionals are generally taken aback by this type of behavior and generally don’t respond to such aggression as they should. For a split second you question what you could have done to provoke such a reaction. Then you realize it’s not you; your boss is just an asshole.

So, what do you do? Can you change him with facts, gentle persuasion or belly rubs, perhaps? Not fucking likely. Do you go around him and try to make end roads with his superiors? Possibly. Do you freshen up your resume and put yourself back out in the market? Possibly, but there are assholes everywhere, at one level or another. So what do you do? If you have a trust fund, the answer is easy, but I’m not that lucky.

So for now, my nose is glued to the project grindstone and I’ll stay under his radar, pushing my watermelon through the garden hose. But, I am patient and looking for that perfect crossroad of time/space/opportunity, so I can throw his sorry misbegotten woefully inept ass under the proverbial rapidly approaching bus. Which in this corporate incarnation would be the sponsor’s meeting. With perverted glee I can exploit a small known escalation issue that when aired in the correct context and audience will exhibit his profound stupidity in all that is technical and managerial. The “C” level incompetent ineffectuals will discover that he’s an idiot and have security “duck walk” his sorry ass out the door!

Sigh! One can have one's dreams...

Just Because Its New, Doesn't Mean It's Different

2007-04-05T09:27:00.002-07:00

I work in the mystical magical and peculiar world of Information Technology. My sole purpose here is to rant and rave about my personal experience with best and worst practices within the mysterious profession of project management. Basically I am going to rant about whatever I’m pissed off about at the moment.

I started with a new company a month ago. Well, the company wasn’t new; I was the new hire PM in a newbie PMO. Presumably, I was hired to help build a Project Management Office. Hot damn! This is it what I do, what I live for? It’s my thing! Been there, done that, bought the damned tee shirt.

I was told to hit the ground running – stake out the PMO’s territory and run with the implementation! Yeah, right! Run right into an entrenched company culture that was defensive and extremely territorial. It’s a large company, several billion or so in revenue. The newly formed PMO consists of a director and lonely old me. So I hit the ground running and ran right into a brick wall of, “That’s great idea, but we have to move slowly so we don’t scare the C-level / Directors / Silo Managers / Rank and File / the kid in the mail room, etc.”
I never suggested a Big Bang approach, but well-timed phased releases after proper and thorough preparation and training. Seems simple enough, doesn’t it? I had been around IT long enough to know not to scare the anal-myopic C-level morons that run most modern corporations.

I suggested that we start with implementing simple project process and control utilizing a new suite of forms and templates for continuity, including initiating a Style Book to insure uniformity. That was it. Don’t want to be scarin’ C level folks and directors, now do we?
It is well known that successful project management has a firm foundation in defined process, which runs on forms and templates. Bad or non-existent forms and templates; insures a crappy outcome. If this first step gave the management goons an attack of ulcerative colitis, then steps two through one-hundred will certainly prove entertaining!

In trying to pin down this company’s maturity model, Level One would be way too high. Since negative numbers are not allowed in a Maturity Model, the PMO is currently having to look way too high to see some light. I was informed that in the past, the first person to raise their hand at an open planning meeting was made the project manager. Well, at least raising a hand indicates a modicum of ambition.
Some companies you can help, some you can’t. The jury is still out on this one. Stay tuned…..