What has me frustrated today?

Could it be the multi-million dollar budget, the inevitable time crunch, inane vendor problems, or the ever present resource constraint? Not exactly. I have plenty of money and plenty of people. The problem is as always I own the project, but not the resources. What’s the difference, you ask?

The problem is resources do not report to me, but I’m responsible for their output. They have a functional manager who isn’t the least bit interested in the project or what his people are assigned to accomplish.

I have attempted to engage the disinterested functional manager for some backup and was told to “beat them up”. Personally, there is nothing I like better than kicking sorry asses, but that particular skill is not listed in the project managers roles and responsibilities on this particular project. I am destined to take on projects that are stalled, flummoxed, screwed, or in the wonderful land of FUBAR. My talent and lot in my professional life is to fix the broken and totally fucked up. And my current morass is stalled, broken and totally fucked up.

I know the current theory is to influence without authority, but we all now that’s pure bullshit. So what to do; what to do… following are some historical leverages that have worked for me:

Let them know you recognize their experience and value their expertise in the current environment; but do not fawn over them. (kiss ass!)

Give them an overview of your experience and expertise; but do not gloat. (blind them with my personal professional brilliance!)

Keep it light and occasionally email the team some sort of geek joke. I’m serious; you are a project manager, but let’s face it, there’s a bit of geek in all of us. (bond with the lame fuckers!)

Send out timely reminders for meetings with attachments as needed, and always send out follow-up Action Item lists with due dates. (nag their collective asses off!)

Make it clear that everyone has ‘skin in the game’ and everyone will be held responsible. The entire team will either succeed or fail together. (scare the dummies – if I go down I am taking the ship and crew with me! And I will haunt the survivors!)

And when your team starts to really click, it wouldn’t hurt to bring in food, the higher in calories and carbohydrates the better. (deep fried bribery will get you most things!)

Any and all combinations of the above can and will work small miracles in most totally screwed red zone projects.

So You Need A Business Analyst, You Say?

We’ve got your BA’s! We’ve got big ones, small ones, short ones and tall ones. BA’s that speak English, BA’s that speak Hindi, some that speak Pig Latin and one that claims to speak Klingon! They’re trained to analyze, document, figure shit out, by god! The only problem is that they’re not accustomed to any real work.

I work for a huge multi-national and in all the time I’ve been here there are only two BA’s that are worth a shit. One in particular, who I will call Barbie is a giggling twit or twat, to quote the Queen's English more precisely. She holds court for most of day discussing her latest date, shoes, her workout at the gym and how the BA’s should rise up and demand better… of everything.

At that point I can’t help thinking that just one grenade would rid us of all of them…. but then again, that wouldn’t be very nice, now would it. But seriously, how much harm would come from duct taping them to their chair for a few hours at a time to get something done? No permanent marks, except for some deforestation on the hairier members and some could even benefit from the experience. I believe duct tape helps the undisciplined find real focus. Think about his the next time you have trouble getting your deliverables on time. Oh, and it works equally well on programmers.

I’d like to blame youth as the cause, but I’ve heard the same kind of crap from team members with "more than 25 years experience." Well hell, then they should cut the crap and get the work done. It comes down to, if you don’t like your job, than change your career or at least the company you’re working for. Not every company/person are a good fit. Unlike corporate beliefs mantra, we are not interchangeable assholes. Just pull one out and plug in another without missing a beat. I wish it wasn't that easy, but most of the time it is.

Building a cohesive team takes time, and once you have a good one, hold on to it. The hard part is getting buy-in from all the members. Some understand the necessity and some work hard at being loaners with a ‘nobody gets me’ attitude. The latter can destroy a team, so you have two choices: win them over or kick them to the curb. I always offer cookies, but on most days I wear lug soled boots; just in case.