So You Need A Business Analyst, You Say?

We’ve got your BA’s! We’ve got big ones, small ones, short ones and tall ones. BA’s that speak English, BA’s that speak Hindi, some that speak Pig Latin and one that claims to speak Klingon! They’re trained to analyze, document, figure shit out, by god! The only problem is that they’re not accustomed to any real work.

I work for a huge multi-national and in all the time I’ve been here there are only two BA’s that are worth a shit. One in particular, who I will call Barbie is a giggling twit or twat, to quote the Queen's English more precisely. She holds court for most of day discussing her latest date, shoes, her workout at the gym and how the BA’s should rise up and demand better… of everything.

At that point I can’t help thinking that just one grenade would rid us of all of them…. but then again, that wouldn’t be very nice, now would it. But seriously, how much harm would come from duct taping them to their chair for a few hours at a time to get something done? No permanent marks, except for some deforestation on the hairier members and some could even benefit from the experience. I believe duct tape helps the undisciplined find real focus. Think about his the next time you have trouble getting your deliverables on time. Oh, and it works equally well on programmers.

I’d like to blame youth as the cause, but I’ve heard the same kind of crap from team members with "more than 25 years experience." Well hell, then they should cut the crap and get the work done. It comes down to, if you don’t like your job, than change your career or at least the company you’re working for. Not every company/person are a good fit. Unlike corporate beliefs mantra, we are not interchangeable assholes. Just pull one out and plug in another without missing a beat. I wish it wasn't that easy, but most of the time it is.

Building a cohesive team takes time, and once you have a good one, hold on to it. The hard part is getting buy-in from all the members. Some understand the necessity and some work hard at being loaners with a ‘nobody gets me’ attitude. The latter can destroy a team, so you have two choices: win them over or kick them to the curb. I always offer cookies, but on most days I wear lug soled boots; just in case.