"I’ll take 'What is pissing you off today?' For $200, Alex."

What is: The Douche!

Every company has one or more of this archetype. Yours may be old or young; male or female. When the day is done, they're all egotistical, narcissistic, self-absorbed, arrogant, pompous, royal pains-in-the-ass.

Allow me to elaborate: Loud, too smiley, pontifical and rambles about theory, concepts and general nonsense. The strange and mysterious drivel falling from their lips is generally 100% erroneous, flawed, incorrect or invalid! The words, "I don't know" have never crossed their lips. they just wing it and like some monkey in a cage fling shit at the wall in hopes some of it may stick. The claptrap has nothing in particular to do with the question at hand. They come in late, take long lunches and go to meetings they are not invited to, just so they can complain how overworked they are. And the most irritating part is that they always do it with a big smile and a sigh. Makes me want to go all “Leatherface”!

We are working together on different sections of a large complex interdependent project. As a courtesy informed the douche I was going to lunch, to which was replied: "That will be acceptable." I wasn't asking permission as I don't report to the douche! But the fool is always on-stage, playing to the assembled crowd and getting on the last nerve I have.

Any good project manager knows when acting as a Facilitator (for a RAD/JAD) you say touchy-feely things like, "What I hear you saying is…", but the silly douche repeats every key point that's made by anyone in a meeting; slowly while nodding in agreement. The assembled crowed rolls their eyes or checks time on their cell phones. Fire up the chainsaw!

Probably the most worrisome trait is how the douche attempts to turn every remark into a sexual double entendre. Now, I work with some very robust and tough women project managers and most are highly skilled in vocal bouts that would make a longshoreman blush. But, damn! Listening to a douche spouting snickering twelve year old boy’s female anatomy jokes, is just embarrassing.

Most go to their “happy place” and dream of unicorns, puppies and kittens - I hear the sounds of a revving two stroke engine, a leather mask and maybe a few screams of terror…